Reassurance and Irrational thoughts

When my sister Paige was pregnant with my niece Sylvie, She used to confide worries and concerns she had about being a good mom and stuff. I always told her she's going to be an excellent mother...How could she not be with such an excellent role model she has in our mother (the best mom there is...Besides my mom in law). She always seemed doubtful.

I understood at the time that she was just hormonal and having irrational thoughts. She never admitted it to me but that's what I felt was really her problem. So far she has been an excellent mom. Just like I knew she would be.

Now that I'm pregnant. I was lying there on our futon, worrying that I was eating enough and that my baby was getting the best I could give him/her. I heard the heartbeat at my last doctors visit and it was strong and regular, and that was reassuring. It's not the same as seeing the baby on ultrasound.
We aren't due to get our next till January. Thus begins my rant of irrational feelings about stuff.....

Until then, I'm afraid I'll worry whether or not the baby is growing at the usual rate. And is actually there. It may be silly to some people but I always thought I'd have this neat communication with my developing baby. I dreamed before I was pregnant that my baby would give me reports on how it was doing....Kind of like "Hey mom!! Guess what mom? MOM!! I'm sucking my thumb now!! Hey mom I can hear when dad talks to me!!"

You know, that sort of thing.

So far nothing like that has happened. Now I'm thinking my baby is letting me know that this is how things are going to be. Just because I think it's going to be some way doesn't me that's the way things are going to go. Which I know, but...
So fine I won't get upset about that. How could I? My baby is it's own person it's going to experience things it's own way and in it's own time. Which is fine too, that's the way things are supposed to be.

ANYWAY, so I've just been trying to listen to my body. Let it tell me that things are fine. Unfortunately, my body seems to be siding with the baby. It's not really my body anymore. (I hear this is a common complaint of pregnant women.) I guess it's a good thing right? I should just sit back and let things go the way they are supposed to go.

It's kind of getting in the way of work...Or my mind is helping my body get in the way of work. Honestly I'm not happy at either of my jobs. Is this a normal pregnant person reaction too? I just get annoyed with how things are run. At both jobs!! I'd love to be able to stay home (and go crazy!!??) or find a nice easy job where I don't have to wait on customers....Lately my customers have been very nice and patient with me, thank god.

My complaint when it comes to customers is that I feel that way I've always felt: I need to help them quickly and efficiently to keep them happy. Well I don't do quick anymore...But I don't remember that till it's too late. I'll help the customer (sometimes two at a time) quickly and efficiently but then after they are gone and I have a chance to catch up with myself. I realize that I did too much. I feel faint and weak and tired and like I'm going to throw up....Every time.

So stop going so fast you say? Yeah right! I work retail hell. And Christmas is fast approaching. I work one day a week at a bookstore, in the cafe. And three days a week in a popular national chain toy store...
the toy store and the cafe have both not lived up to my worst memories of Christmas time business yet. But still I'm worn out by helping just a few customers. I love helping people, but it's just sooo exhausting. If I could help people by sitting in a quiet area and be able to go at my own speed that would be awesome...But what kind of job is that???
And am I qualified?

then I feel guilty for being "lazy!" How can sitting around be good for my baby? I've got to get up and move sometimes...When feel better I tell myself. That's been a new saying for me lately...When I feel better I'll do that sink full of dishes....When I feel better I'll get some laundry done so that my husband and I have some clean clothes to wear... When I feel better I'll vacuum.

I haven't felt better in a while. I have good days don't worry about that. I just get tired quickly. I took a nap after taking my dog out this morning.
There are many different causes for my fatigue. One I'm PREGNANT. Pregnant women get tired. One could be a deficiency in some vitamin or mineral...That's possible but I do take my Prenatal vitamins.
One could be hormonal cause...I am pregnant. One could be blood pressure related...Another side effect of pregnancy.

maybe I feel the way I do because I'm pregnant? It's possible. Probably Probable even. Anyway I find myself feeling I think similarly to the way my sister was feeling when she would confide in me...I worry that if I'm tired now and I'm supposed to be tired after the baby is born...how is anything ever going to get done? I assume, I'll work through it. I'll just tough it out.
But that's how I thought I'd deal with all this stuff I've been dealing (or not dealing) with. Therein lies the worry. One things for sure life has changed, as I had expected it to...maybe not the way I expected but still change....and change is good.....

Anyway writing this post is wearing me out. So I'll just do a spell check and go lie down...Again!!